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Now that the Presidential nominees have been confirmed, (John McCain for the Republicans and Barack Obama for the Democrats, in case you’re fucking retarded) we here at Loco Nunca have taken it upon ourselves to suggest running mates for these candidates. If either of these oh so dashing men are going to become President, they’re gonna need strong Vice-Presidents at their sides.
Yeah, we know that the candidates have already chosen running mates on their own, but fuck those losers. Really, does anyone besides correspondents on CNN who are paid to care actually give a fuck about a douchebag from Delaware or an Alaskan woman so derranged that she actually named her son Track bring to the table? There’s still time for replacements fellas, so heed our advice.
Let’s start with McCain. He’s been the clear Republican nominee since Huckabee bowed out ungracefully, and baring some sort of madman takeover by Ron Paul, (keep at it South Austin! That crazy, racist leprechaun still has a shot, I swear) he’ll be batting for all the wealthy businessmen and fag-bashing rednecks across the country come November. McCain has a lot of strong qualities that will bode well for him come the election. He’s a fucking war hero for one, and he doesn’t care if Al Queda is Sunni or Shiite, all he knows is that he’s gonna kick their asses now and figure out their names later. That’s the way America likes its professional wrestlers, and damned if that isn’t the same criteria we also use for selecting our Presidents. McCain also knows that playing the media is the most important part of being a politician. That’s why he opted out of a 2003 defense spending vote to instead go rehearse for an episode of Saturday Night Live. Some of those elitist intellectuals would be all, “Hey buddy, maybe you should do your goddamn job instead of going to New York to fuck around on a sketch comedy show for a few hours on a Wednesday afternoon.” Fuck those assholes. Who would ever pass up the opportunity to be on such a timely, creative and hilarious show as Saturday Night Live? McCain knows what he’s doing, and he’s obviously got his priorities in order. Also, he strangely reminds me of Leatherface, and that has to be a good thing.
It’s for these reasons that we here at Loco Nunca are stoked about McCain’s run at the White House, and why we’ve spent countless hours debating the perfect Vice-Presidential candidate for him. After much deliberation, we’ve finally settled on a stellar match:
Motherfucking Skeletor!!! It’s perfect and answers all of McCain’s doubters. Oh yeah, some people are worried that McCain is too old to be President. Guess what? Skeletor is already dead and he’s still lively as a motherfucker. Who’s to say McCain would be any different? And even if McCain were to die during his Presidency, Skeletor would be right there to take the reins. And you can’t kill Skeletor, so don’t even try. Limp-wristed ole’ He-Man has been trying to assassinate “The Terror of Greyskull” for decades, and Skeletor seems no worse for the wear. He’s got tenacity in spades.
Look, Republicans are all about fear. They love that shit more than they love their wives, and almost as much as they love their money. Bush played on it to beat Kerry (who sort of oddly resembles Skeletor, doesn’t he?) and W’s dad played it to beat Dukakis. Go Youtube some of H.W. Bush’s ads right now, but make sure to put a diaper on first. Sweet Jesus, I can’t believe they allowed those on TV. Even back to Nixon, who said “Fear is a better means of control than peace,” Republicans have hitched their wagon to the star of fear mongering to win elections. Isn’t Skeletor the most natural choice for a Vice-President then? The guy's as scary as going hunting for poontang in Koreatown while wearing a whiskey blindfold. Not to mention that Skeletor has all sorts of villainous contacts that could build us an entirely new coalition of the willing, which we need since those pussies from England, Italy, and Canada fagged out on us. Look, Skeletor is friends with Serpentor, which means our troops in the Middle East could instantly gain the use of General Cobra Commander and all his forces. And if Skeletor can bring Serpentor into the cabinet, that means America also gains the use of Nemesis Enforcer. How tight is that? That’s like five Cheney’s packed into a missile and shot into the moon. How safe would you feel if Nemesis Enforcer was in charge of the war on terror? I bet you’d sleep like a baby every night. I know I would. Skeletor and his friends basically ensure us victory in Iraq.
Obama has a tougher go at getting into the Oval Office. For starters, he’s HALF black, which is still too black for people from West Virginia. Also, his middle name is Hussein, which means he’s totally the same person as that guy in Iraq that we killed because he was responsible for 9/11. Obama also is in the odd position of being the most liberal Senator in the country who also voted for stripping away our ability to joke about bombing Congress on the phone without the CIA listening in, which pretty much means that he’s somehow pissed off everyone who actually really gives a fuck about politics. Charisma or no, that’s a pretty rough jumping off point for somebody who’s supposed to unite the country in something other than vague hatred.
It’s for these reasons and many more that we believe Barack Obama should step aside, let this round of elections pass, and humbly accept the nod for Vice-President in 2008. It’s not that we’re suggesting Hillary Clinton should jump back in. Dear God, I’d sell my right nut to Satan’s butcher before I suggested that. It’s just that we feel there’s a stronger Democratic candidate than Obama, one who can be assured victory and end the horrors of Republican rule that have plagued this country since Jimmy Carter. (Yes, we’re calling Bill Clinton a Republican. Go back and check him out. I guarantee you that your mom is wrong about him.)
So, you ask, who is it we endorse as the Democratic candidate for President?
Eric goddamn B, the undisputed king of the ones and the twos. We know that he hasn’t announced his candidacy, and we know that election guidelines state that a certain number of delegates need to be garnered for someone to claim nomination, but fuck all that. Let Howard Dean and Nancy Pelosi step to Eric B and tell him to follow the rules. Eric B is the leader, and it is up to us to follow him.
Eric B has largely remained silent since he came onto the political scene in the 1980s, but Rakim, one of the greatest poets of our time, has made the case for an Eric B administration taking control of the country:
Okay, we know there wasn’t a whole lot of policy discussion there, and really, Rakim never even gave a reason for why Eric B should be President, but it’s fucking Rakim talking here. Besides, his best endorsement of Eric B has already been well-documented: “I hold the microphone like a grudge and Eric B can hold a record so the needle don’t budge.” Support such as this from someone with the insight of Rakim can no longer go ignored. And besides, isn’t that what we want from a President? If Eric B has the ability to play records without them skipping, I’m certain he can figure out a way to solve the oil crisis. It’s gotta be pretty similar once you break the issue down.
Trust me, this dynamic makes sense. When Eric B was a DJ, it was Eric B and Rakim. Eric B laid the cuts and was the director while Rakim threw down the words. Obama has proven himself a great speaker and a wordsmith with a groundbreaking vision, which is exactly what Rakim was. Doesn’t it then make sense that Eric B should be laying the groundwork while Obama rocks the mic?
A lot of people will say that an Eric B Presidency would be even more unelectable than an Obama campaign because of Eric B’s unrelenting blackness. Fuck them. We all know that with Diebold machines in play in the majority of our nation’s precincts that every vote can be seen and manipulated by the candidates. Are you telling me that anyone in the suburbs is gonna vote against Eric B when he can actually see how they voted? I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a white guy in khaki shorts argue with a black dude from the ghetto, but trust me, even Rush Limbaugh will be big upping Brooklyn come November if we have it our way.
So there you go. It’s a tough call- John McCain and Skeletor versus Eric B and Barack Obama. Let the best team win and let’s just hope Ralph Nader shuts the fuck up this time. Jeez, hasn’t that guy done enough for this country already?