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Strange Correspondence
Hollywood Cocaine
Not For Hire
The Gay Bear Epidemic
I Hate You!
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Rap Songs That Never Get Played Out
VP Mulligan, Please
Accidental Raver
Movies That Ruined My Childhood
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Hangover Hungries
Written Word
A Day in the Life
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Rappers rarely put out greatest hits sets and they hardly ever do comeback tours. Even though rap has blown up in the mainstream in the past 15 years, I seriously doubt that Bone Thugs N Harmony is gonna do a set at the next Live Aid like Pink Floyd did at that past one. The truth of the matter is that most rap has a brief shelf life. It makes sense. Hip-hop has never entirely broken from its origins in club music, which is completely trendcentric. That’s why Lil’ John sounds weirdly out-dated today and David Banner will be even more obsolete in six months. That said, sometimes rappers hit upon a sound that is utterly timeless. It’s usually just for a song or two, but those songs will be fucking jams forever. Actually, there’s a whole bunch of those.
STILL NOT A PLAYA BIG PUN
First off, who the fuck was fucking Big Pun? That shit boggles my mind. Fuck it, “I’m not a playa/I just fuck a lot is one of the best rap lines ever. The funny thing is that’s not even the best line in the song. That honor goes to “I’ll rip my prick through your hooters/I’m sick/You couldn’t measure my dick/With six rulers.” I read this interview with Kanye West the other day where he was talking about how “Gold Digger” was the best song of the decade because it had six different hooks in it. Not trying to be a hater Kanye, but I just counted and this jam has at least ten hooks. By Ye’s criteria this must be the best rap song ever then. RIP Big Pun. Fat Joe is literally half the man that you were.
STILL GETO BOYS
“Die motherfuckers/Die motherfuckers/Still.” This means it’s time to beat some ass in a serious way. Released three years after Scarface, Wille D and Bushwick Bill parted ways in 1993, The Resurrection is dope as fuck. But it’s the second track, “Still”, that makes the cut as one of those songs you can blast forever. You first heard it in Office Space, unless you were a cooler third grader than everyone else and were bangin' Geto Boys in the late 80's. But when you saw this song in that movie you went right home and downloaded it off of Napster and burned yourself a CD and then rolled around West Austin in your homie's 4runner with the windows down blasting this track, feeling like such a fucking badass. Of course you looked stupid with your blonde haired friends going around annoying West Austin soccer moms, but fuck that shit, they just said "DIE MUTHAFUCKERS" again! I still bump “Still” to this day, and hard. It’s just so fucking gangster. Oh and don't forget that Bushwick Bill is a dwarf, no joke, which somehow makes it all even so much more gangster.
NIGGY TARDUST SAUL WILLIAMS
We missed out on our chance to review The Inevitable Rise And Liberation Of Niggy Tardust, so we’ll hook Saul up here. For the past few years he’s tried to make the transition from most famous slam poet in the world into a hot MC. Tracks like this one may take him beyond classification. This is by far the newest song on this list, so the future will have to prove that it’s truly timeless, but with lines like “What’s the preacher gonna say?/Preacher can’t say shit cause the preacher gay” and “Sometimes when he talks he sings/But keeps his high notes wordless/Sing along when Niggy sings/Without you he’d be worthless, homeless, earthless” it’s pretty certain that it won’t go stale. The same goes for the beats, which have their heart in the old-school but ramp it up with some killer keyboards and apocalyptic breakdowns. It ain’t exactly radio ready, but who the fuck cares? Shit slams.
DAYLIGHT AESOP ROCK
“Life’s not a bitch/Life is a beautiful woman/You only call her a bitch/Cause she won’t let you get that pussy.” That’s it. There isn’t anything better that anyone could say about this song. It’s all right there.
WHOA BLACK ROB
This is from the same rhyme school as that Juvenile song “Ha”. Remember that one? “I went to the store, Ha/To get some eggs, Ha/But on the way, Ha/I ran into Kenny, Ha,” or whatever the lyrics were. The only difference is that this song isn’t retarded. Dude even flips the “whoa” rhyme to “GI Joe” one time, which is pretty funny. Put this song on when you’re fucked up and driving around downtown really fast. Every time I do I end up wondering why it’s so hard to score crack in Austin at 4:30 in the morning.
I THINK I KNOW TOO MUCH ACEYALONE
The beat on this song fucking kills. Before Acey even drops a rhyme, you know shit’s gonna be dope. Then the kid comes on stronger than he ever did with Project Blowed and ever has since. The track lists all of life’s ills alongside the reasons to keep pushing forward through them, building to a killer chorus where Acey shouts “I think I know too much” only to be shot back with “You don’t know shit!” Backpackers from coast to coast nodded crazily to every word.
JUICY NOTORIOUS BIG
If this song isn't still ill to you then basically your life is going backwards as fuck. Put down the crackpipe and get a job, son! The second you do something remotely positive with your life (seriously, emphasis on remotely), then you've got infinite fuel for getting awesome with this song. I'm just like "PSYCHED PSYCHED PSYCHED. DAMMIT WHY ARE'NT YOU PSYCHED YET!?" every time I hear this. I'd say positivitiy is an awesome concept that just doesn't get old. All the 90's references? Hahaha, are you kidding me!? Jesus, shit just keeps getting better and better and better. Take this song and use it as your vessel to get awesome. It works pretty damn well for me.
JUMP KRISS KROSS
In 1992, this was the biggest hit there was for all the youngsters out there. In fact, one time in second grade I came down from my bedroom to catch the bus to school with my pants on backwards. No joke. My mom was fucking pissed. She made me march back up the stairs again so I could put my pants on the right way. I’m pretty sure she thought I was autistic right then. Doesn’t matter though. Kriss Kross still makes me jump. Really, their whole first album is classic. Check out the song they’ve got about having nightmares. I’m not sure if it’s ironically cool or just fucking brilliant, and really, I don’t give a shit.
WANNA BE A BALLER LIL’ TROY
Primeco Phones? Who the fuck remembers Primeco Phones? Oh, that’s right, this song came out when I was in 7th grade and Primeco Phones still existed. Um, why did I hear it at the bar last week then? Oh, that’s right, cause this song fucking rules. I almost forgot about that.
GETTING JIGGY WIT IT WILL SMITH
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve known every word of this song for 10 years now, and I still get really excited every time I catch it on the radio or at parties. Say what you will about Big Willie Style, but I think it may have been the pinnacle of his career. “Men In Black” came out and he was dropping rhymes like bombs. Seriously, Will Smith takes “anceday oorflay” and pairs it with “jiggy makes you feel like foreplay.” Timeless. However, this song inspired probably the lamest dance move in history. That thing they do in the video, it’s just swiveling while rolling your fists in circles. That’s stupid, but the song still rules.
DON’T MUG YOURSELF THE STREETS
This list needs a white dude, and The Streets lays it down hard enough for his inclusion to be so much more than reverse affirmative action. It’s also about time that someone made a song about being really into a girl to the point that your friends have to pull you back so you don’t blow the game completely. They dole out great advice like “She’ll want you much more for not hanging on/Stop me if I’m wrong/Stop me if I’m wrong.” Morning after songs always slay and this one is the king of them all. The best part is where he gets defensive and swears that he’s the one who’s in control. When Skinner fires back “Do you really think I act wack/Cause I’m tellin’ ya/I’m serving the aces and it’s game, set, and match” you can’t help but crack up. Cause Jesus, we’ve all been there.
BIG POPPA NOTORIOUS BIG
Fuck 2Pac. There, I said it. Biggie won the war. There’s a reason Biggie is on this list twice and Pac isn’t on it at all. Looking back, most of 2Pac’s songs sound like a shitty mash up of NWA and Ja Rule. This track though, shit, throw it on any time and people will start posing with beer bottles while they try to get laid. Also, this is the second song on this list that Puff Daddy gets a shout out on, which is sorta fucking with me.
NUTHIN BUT A G THANG DR. DRE
Okay, stop whatever else you’re doing right now and go as far as you can with all the words to this song that you know out loud… You got pretty fucking far, didn’t you? God, you’re so white.
PLANET ROCK AFRIKKA BOMBATTA AND THE ZULU NATION
Most 80s rap is fucking corny, even Run DMC. Try listening to an album of theirs without cracking up. It’s so cartoonish. This song is from 1981, but still seems beamed in from the future. You can also do dances to it like the ones Tyrone The Crackhead from Chapelle’s Show would do, which is really rad. The fact that I’ve never heard this song at a dance party needs to be remedied immediately. Get on it kids.
JUMP AROUND HOUSE OF PAIN
"Jump Around" is sort of like the antimatter version of the Kennedy Assassination or September 11th in that everybody knows about it but not one single person could tell you when or where they were the first time they heard it. I think there are probably lost tribes in the Amazon who could recognize this song by the signature horn screech (the one that for years I thought was actually a sample of a woman screaming before I was loudly corrected by a drunk black guy at a party) and if not that then definitely by the time "Pack it up, pack it in" starts up all the pygmy chiefs are slapping their heads in that overly enthusiastic way you do when something blindingly obvious occurs to you. Admit it: in middle school, you heard this at every school-sponsored dance you ever went to. You probably ground uglies through your jeans with some squinty little creep in the crepe-papered gym to this song and had to excuse yourself awkwardly to run to the bathroom because you nearly shot-off in your pants and didn't want your Mom seeing the tracks on your Jincos when you got home. "Jump Around" is the soundtrack to the hell that is puberty for anyone who grew up in at least some part of the 90s, and it’s for that exact reason that no one will ever get sick of it.
BUMP SPANK ROCK
Spank Rock scares the living shit out of me. Not in the way Ice Cube used to scare my aunt or Suge Knight scared Vanilla Ice, but in a If my girlfriend gets anywhere near this guy she’s totally gonna blow him way. “Behind my Gameboy I got game girl/It comes easy” might be the most terrifying rap line I’ve ever heard. Pretty much everything on his debut album could’ve ended up on this list. This song got on because a girl kills her verse on this shit and proves that the ladies can hustle up some sex rhymes just as well as any man. That’s exactly why Spank Rock is so scary. He lets the ladies get theirs too.
FOLLOW THE LEADER ERIC B AND RAKIM
Like “Planet Rock,” this is one of those songs that never gets old because it still sounds like it’s from the future. Lyrically, you can’t even begin to fuck with Rakim. I know we already talked about it in this issue, but it’s fucking Rakim. I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes trying to find one lyric to write out for ya’ll, but seriously, all his rhymes are off the hook. Dentists need to start paying Rakim royalties, cause they’ve made a fortune reattaching the jaws of all the hip-hop kids who had theirs fall to the floor the first time they heard this song.
GANGSTA’S PARADISE COOLIO
I remember watching Dangerous Minds for the first time around the time I was 12 years old and thinking how awesome Michelle Pfeiffer was and how maybe one day I could be some lady that walks into some rough inner-city kids’ lives and change them forever. A decade later, I realize that this plotline is more improbable than Star Wars and the real reason I loved the movie was “Gangsta’s Paradise”, plain and simple, I feel like the preteen thug I used to be every time I’m on my knees in the night sayin’ prayers in the streetlight. And it’ll probably always take me there.
LAUGHLOVEFUCK THE COUP
Pick A Bigger Weapon is probably gonna go down as the best political rap album put out during the Bush years, and it’s earned that status full-fold. With a killer chorus of “I’m here to laugh, love, fuck, and drink liquor/And make the damn revolution come quicker,” this song eases up on the political rhetoric that the Coup is known for a bit to acknowledge that sometimes you’ve gotta just say fuck it and have a blast with your friends. It can’t all be “Getting off the chain like Kunta Kenti with a Mack-10.” Every once in a while it’s for the best to have a killer time with your chosen family. That’s what makes life worth living anyway. Emma Goldman once said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be a part of the revolution,” and she had her shit pretty together on that. Really, Weapon is one of the best rap albums of the new school, but tracks like “Baby Lets Have A Baby Before Bush Do Something Crazy” won’t hit very hard in two years time. Good thing that Boots Riley saved rhymes like “I’m here to take shots and make a mark/Not just take shots of Makers Mark/That’s how they make us marks” for this track. I don’t doubt for a second that I’ll be listening to this song ten years from now, and really, isn’t that what this list is all about? Trust me, it is.