articles
Strange
Correspondence
Shit's Tight
The Right
To Bear Arms
Second Chance
Sportz Barz
Girl Crush
Austin In
The Aftermath
Sippin' Brews
With Chris Trew
Wouldn't It Be
Tight If...
Say Girl,
What's Your Night?
Death Wish
After The
Blood Rush
I Hate You!
Pooh In Nam
Movies That Ruined
My Childhood
Tax Bills And
Ice Cream Thrills
Ass Wind
Nerdilinger
Hangover Hungries
Comix By
Complete Dix
Reviews
Written Word
A Day In The Life
A Year Of
Loco Nunca
Final Rites
© Loco Nunca Enterprises.
All Rights Reserved.
HAVING RICH FRIENDS
Most of my friends are like me– dirt fucking poor. It's way easy to bond with someone when you can talk about the ghetto sandwich you made last night with one piece of bread and a smear of peanut butter and they totally get where you're coming from. But every once in a while, I like to take a break from my piece of shit life and hang out with my rich friends because they offer some fucking sweet amenities that make me hate my blue collar parents’ guts. Just the other weekend, I went to Richy McShitsgold's ranch, and holy fuck was it awesome. Not only did they have like 3,000 acres of land, but they also had this big party barn with a fully stocked bar and like 4 or 5 guesthouses. Everyone had their own bed and all the showers had expensive as fuck shampoos and conditioners in them. I took a shower just so I could use that shit and smell like rich people for the rest of the day. And so what if I'm shallow for liking someone for all the cool shit they have. At least I'm self-aware, asshole.
INKS LAKE
Rock nerds unite! Ink’s Lake is right outside of Marble Falls and is chock full of campsites and some really old geology. It’s only $2 more per person than Barton Springs, and it’s not overrun with drum circles and jorts. Really, if you’re the kind of person who enjoys camping or nature, or possibly taking some psychedelics and wandering around in the woods and over rock formations, pack up and head out. It’s close, cheap, and has a swimming hole named the Devil’s Waterhole where there are giant rocks to jump off of.
NUBIAN QUEEN
On the East side of Austin there is a little purple building on the corner of Rosewood and Chicon. Step inside and get ready for hands down some of the greatest soul food you will ever eat. The place is called Nubian Queen, and Lola E. Stephens reigns over this soul food palace. The restaurant serves everything from crawfish etouffee to pork chop po boys. The batter on the onion rings and fried catfish made me want to get down on my knees and swear allegiance to Queen Lola. Monday through Friday they have amazing daily specials. Friday is the best; all you can eat gumbo. It's delicious with all the chicken and sausage swimming through the perfectly spiced broth. But be warned-- the Itis hit me before I even left the joint. I had to slap my face on the drive home just so I wouldn't slip into a food coma. It might be a good idea to bring along a designated driver for safety. The Nubian Queen is decorated for Mardi Gras 365 days a year. Lola makes the dining experience personal by both cooking and severing the food herself. The seating can be limited, but taking it to-go and eating on the corner ain't too bad either. Go eat some food that is good for the soul, light on the wallet, and ALL HAIL THE QUEEN.
MUSEUM OF THE WEIRD
Sometimes Austin actually lives up to its dumb bumper stickers, and gives us something that’s legitimately weird. Right in the middle of 6th street, the Museum of the Weird charges $3 to walk through their small display of 1920s-carnival freak show antiquities. The exhibition manages to live up to its promise of old-school oddities: “Shrunken heads! Freaks of Nature! The Fiji Mermaid! Texas Bigfoot! Mummies! Giant Lizards! Unexplained Phenomena! The Supernatural!” And even though the collection’s not much to boast about, it’s enough to satiate any need for 15 minutes of unadulterated “what the fuck is this?” Is it mind-blowingly-amazing? Not really. But in terms of pure weirdness, it definitely delivers. If you happen to have a few dollars left over from your booze budget and some time to kill downtown, Museum of the Weird is the place to spend it. Bonus points if you can get the guy behind the counter to tell you about how Jack The Ripper was from Austin.
21ST STREET BIKE PROJECT
Being a decent citizen of a cosmopolitan city such as Austin, I have a few responsibilities. Outside appearances are more important than your personality, as we all know. It is of the utmost importance to maintain a healthy diet, either buying expensive organic foods or growing my own. Of course, exercise is next on the list and since I’m a twenty something dude in Austin who wears cut-offs, I should ride a fixed gear bike. That’s where my homeboy Will Wolfe comes in. This guy Will is a lumberjack. I use that word to describe a man’s man. You know the kind that can chop down trees and then make a fishing pole with it and catch the biggest catfish you have ever seen kind of man. Actually Will would just as soon noodle the catfish with his own paws, to skip all the bullshit. Will runs a small time bike shop out of the 21st Co-Op in west campus and one day he decided that the place was too small to accommodate his utter badassness in bicycle repair. So Will got together with Austin Yellow Bike (pretty cool bike nerds) and set up a paypal account. Soon after my amigo had the funds and the know-how to build a new and improved bike shop at the Co-Op. With my limited experience Will asked if I could give him a hand. Will is the man to see when it comes to anything doing with the velocipede. The new and improved shop is up and running folks, go fix your bikes.
PUTTING A STOP TO THE HUGGING PANDEMIC
Maybe I’m an old man, but I just don’t get the teenagers of today. Yeah, I’m cool with their Facebook obsessions and their Twilight slumber parties, and I’m even willing to let the whole sexting trend slide. But do you realize that these kids are hugging the shit out of each other? No, really. They fucking live for it, apparently. They have to. I mean, NBC did two special reports on it and The New York Times devoted a spiffy little article to it in their Sunday Style section a week back. That means it has to be real. The little bastards even have all sorts of styles of hugging, such as “the shake and lean” and “the fist bump”, and don’t even get me started on “the triple.” That shit is practically an orgy. But there’s good news too; assistant principles all across the country are putting a stop to this youthful scourge. Hugging has to be stopped, and bald motherfuckers with walkie-talkies nationwide are shutting the shit down. As the NYT reported, many high schools are now instating a “three-second rule” on all hugs. That should learn those punks to never show physical affection towards anyone they care deeply about, which, let’s be honest, is a lesson they’d probably learn around the age of 26 anyway.