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article by sir phrancis dollarhyde
And then there were two.
This is what the fuck you watch the NBA for. This is where men will either become gods or be reduced to the level of little bitches with purses in tow. (Insert tranny joke here.) This is the Coliseum, the octagon, and the clash of the titans (only without that creepy goat guy.)
This is the NBA finals.
Now I know that most of you lost your boners when the Cleveland Lebrons were ousted in 6, but I implore you to keep that stiffy on stand-by, because we have one sexy, sexy, match-up here.
On the one hand you have the Orlando Magic. These guys were overlooked by everyone at the start of the playoffs, including yours truly, but they have basically shot the opposition in to submisson during these playoffs, shooting an ass-load of threes, 444 to be exact, making 163 of them. That's good for 37%, for all you right brainers out there. Their 62 threes against the Cavs ties the record for threes in 6 games. The Magic are quick and have an untouchable outside game.
But they’re not soft, oh no. In fact, if you call them soft, Dwight Howard will show up to your house and punch you right in the taint. Just ask Anderson Varejao.
Speaking of Mr. Howard, if the Magic are to be crowned champions it will be because of him. He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end. Even when he's not putting up 30 a game, his sheer presence on the floor makes them a terribly difficult team to guard, at all positions. You have to respect him, but at the same time the Magic shoot the three so well that you can't completely blanket him. If you box out the paint to stop Howard, Alston and Lewis will just drain threes on you for twenty minutes. That makes the Magic dangerous.
And in the red (or purple, if you're into that sort of thing) corner, you have the Los Angeles Lakers.
The 2009 Lakers are kind of like U2. Every time you think they're done, here they come again. Fucking Bono and his stupid fucking glasses, and his stupid fucking leather jackets and those fucking commercials. GODDAMNIT!!! I FUCKING HATE U2!!!
Sorry. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, the Lakers. Right.
All the pressure is squarely on their shoulders. If they win it will be nothing less than what was expected from them. If they lose, they'll be discarded like so many used condoms on the streets of West Hollywood. It's an unenviable position to say the least, but if anybody can will them to victory, it's Kobe Bryant.
Kobe haters will say this and that. They'll sound like they're in 2nd grade by making ridiculous claims. "He's a ball-hog!" Dude, it's the fuckin’ NBA. We're not playing on an elementary team. "His attitude's bad!” Who gives a fuck? It's not the fucking Ms. Universe pageant. You don't get extra points for congeniality. And I would argue that some of the best players of all-time were dicks: Malone was a douchebag. Bird was an asshole. Pippen was an asshole. Jordan was a huge dick. I care about basketball, not whether the guy's nice or not. But I digress.
The Lakers at times have looked downright awful, and other times have looked like they're unbeatable. It's cliché, but which Laker team will show up for this series? The one that allowed a Yao-less Houston Rockets team to take them to 7, or the team that smashed the Rockets by 40 in Game 5?
In my not-so-humble opinion, this series will be won or lost under the basket. As good as Orlando is on the perimeter, they need Dwight Howard to be a force both offensively and defensively in the paint. They need him to not only score and create scoring chances for their shooters, but to defend Pau Gasol, the Lakers seven foot Spaniard, and stop penetration.
Conversely, the Lakers will have to get Gasol and Lamar Odom going early by getting easy buckets around the basket. The Lakers have not shot the three exceptionally well, so it's important for them to get easy baskets in the half-court and in transition. Not to mention the importance of rebounding, when you have a guy as dominant as Howard as your opposition.
And now for my prediction:
I really feel like the Magic have a much better shot than people are giving them.
After watching the way Pau Gasol folded like a Mexican house-keeper last year against Garnett, there's no way he's going to be able to stop Howard. That means the oft-injured and emotionally unstable Andrew Bynum will be doing the majority of the heavy lifting against Howard.
The Magic will start off with the French product Mickael Pietrus guarding Bryant, but I wouldn't be surprised if they switch looks on him. Especially if Bryant gets going early.
Both of those situations will favor the offense. Howard and Bryant are going to get their points. It's just as simple as that. So the real question is: Can the Magic shoot the three at the same level that they have all post-season?
Probably not.
I feel like the reason the Magic have been so successful is because the match-ups have favored them pretty much throughout.
That stops now.
I like the Lakers in 7. Kobe Bryant, not unlike Funk-Master Flex before him, is "So Fucking Focused!" The Magic will probably shoot well at home, but I don't see them shooting the way they shot in Cleveland in L.A.
But then again, the Magic have been able to defy conventional wisdom so far.......
