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I have no idea who the hell let me watch Pet Cemetery when I was a kid, but it was a SERIOUS lapse of parental judgment. Not only is it a horror movie intended for a much older audience, but it’s a fucking Stephen King movie, meaning that it’s not just a bunch of anticipatory music followed by shit that jumps out at you, it’s also one big scary mind fuck, dead babies included. Needless to say, this movie hasn’t stopped making me pee my pants since this first time I saw it, and that was when I was, like, seven.
The movie starts off with the Creed family (duh, ironic last name) moving to rural Shitsville, USA. The father, Louis, is played by Dale Midkiff, who bee-tee-dub-yew, is a total fox. His wife, Rachel, is played by Star Trek babe Denise Crosby. They have two kids: a girl named Ellie, who is eight and totally annoying, and a little boy, Gage, who’s a wicked cute toddler. So the Creed’s are moving all their shit in when their tard of a kid Gage, runs out to the road and nearly gets hit by a truck (foreshadowing, motherfuckers) but is saved by their slack-jawed neighbor, Jud Crandall. Jud is played by Fred Gwynne, otherwise known as HERMAN fucking MUNSTER. And you best believe that he’s the tightest character in this movie.
Jud shows the family around and takes them to the creepy as fuck pet cemetery down the path from their house. Apparently, pets since the 1900s have been getting mowed down by trucks traveling down the busy road that runs through the neighborhood, so the cemetery is packed with all kinds of dead kittens and puppies. Being the instigating motherfucker that he is, Jud proceeds to tell the dad that past the pet cemetery, there’s some crazy place that he is by no means ever supposed to fuck with. Of course, this makes Louis want to fuck with this mysterious location real bad, but he holds off on that shit for a while.
The next day, Louis starts his new job at the college that hired him for his doctorate. Right when he gets there, some university bro gets hit by a truck and they bring him inside for Louis to try to help, because my God, he’s a doctor of something and this dude’s brains are all over the place. Stephen King must have really been going through a kill as many characters as you can with a Mac truck phase, because seriously, fucking everyone gets hit by a truck and dies. So this college kid pusses out and dies in front of Louis, but then comes back to life for a few seconds later to say some epic shit to him warning him about “not passing the barrier” and “the ground beyond is sour” and some other gay stuff. Of course, Louis is all like, “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, recently deceased guy” and pretty much blows off the kid’s blood-gargled words of caution. Louis finds out later that kids name was Victor Pascow, but now that he’s all dead and ghosty, he’s like Louis’s messenger from beyond the grave. Pascow pretty much starts dominating Louis’s dreams, dragging his sleepy ass out of bed to take midnight strolls through the dead kitty cemetery. He pops up again and again throughout the movie and is basically the mangled personification of Louis’s conscience. However, when I was little, I didn’t understand any of this shit and Pascow was just some crazy ghost motherfucker walking around with cataract cloudy blue eyes and his brains halfway out of his skull. That asshole gave me nightmares for years.
Then Ellie’s cat, who she named Winston Churchill for some lame reason, gets run over and killed by another truck while the mom has taken the kids to visit their grandparents and left Louis at home alone. I fucking get it Stephen King, CHILL ON THE GOD DAMN TRUCKS. So then Jud shows up and is all, “Dude, relax. Just bury the cat in this sacred Indian burial ground I found behind the pet cemetery and it’ll come back to life and you won’t have to teach your kid any of that bullshit about death.” And this sounds like a reasonable plan to Louis because he knows his wife is going to give him shit for fucking things up when she was gone for ONE weekend, so he slings that sucker into a garbage bad, drags it through a shit ton of brush, up a mountain, and buries it in this weirdo Indian version of a sand box. Duh, the cat comes back to life but it’s all zombied out and just wants to eat a buncha red meat and claw everyone’s eyes out. For about a week after I saw this, I wouldn’t go near my cats because I thought they wanted to kill me, drain my blood, and lap it up in a saucer like warm milk…but I got over that pretty quick because even at seven, the logistics of that seemed kind of off because cats don’t have opposable thumbs. They just have those retarded little claws on the side of their feet that can’t do shit. Stupid cats, I dare you to try and drain my blood.
Mom and the kids come home and no one but the little girl seems to notice that the cat reeks of death. Ellie keeps asking why Church (short for Churchill) smells like hot baby diaper and old Funions, but Louis just plays that shit off like the cat got into the garbage or something. Now he’s curious about how exactly this cat pulled a Lazarus and resurrected itself from the grave, so he goes to bust a chill over at Jud’s to ask him some questions. Jud tells him that the burial ground has been around forever, but the Indians stopped using it when the ground went evil, so now every once in a while, someone will think they’re special and try to defy death and bury something or someone up there. This usually doesn’t turn out very well. They come back evil as fuck and you have to kill them again. Total hassle. Jud strongly advises against burying a human up there, but you can already tell that Louis is thinking fuck that.
Then also this weird subplot about how when Rachel was little, she used to have to take care of her older sister, Zelda, who was bed-ridden from a gnarly case of what I guess is scoliosis. Rachel’s parents would leave her home alone with backbone bitch, who looks so fucked up that it’s ridiculous, and she would have to feed her. For real, this chick has bones protruding all over the place and the skin on her face is stretched so tight her mouth looks like it had vaginal reconstructive surgery. Apparently, one day when she was feeding Zelda, she started to choke and Rachel just sort of let her keep choking until she died. This story really doesn’t matter other than the image of her gross sister is particularly unpleasant, and Stephen King knows it, so they show Zelda a lot when shit really starts to get scary.
If this has already been sounding really fucked up to you, just wait, it gets WAY worse. One day the family is outside enjoying a lovely picnic while they fly a kite. Someone lets go of the kite and Gage, the toddler, chases after it towards the road. No one seems to notice this until he’s like two inches away from being demolished by, you guessed it, A HUGE FUCKING TRUCK. The kid gets hit and obviously dies. I’m so dumb that even though I’ve seen this movie a handful of time since I was little, I always gasp like I don’t know it’s going to happen, even though it’s really obvious. But seriously, a baby dies.
Of course, the Creed family starts falling apart because everyone blames each other for the kid dying. Louis starts to get this crazy look in his eyes and you’re just like, “Yep, he’s totally going to go dig his dead baby up from the normal dead people cemetery and go bury him in that fucked up one.” Meanwhile, Icanseeyourbrainsrightnow Pascow keeps showing up every five minutes, telling Louis not to do what he thinks he’s about to do. But Louis is a man on a mission and he will bring his dead baby back to life, no matter how many fucking people tell him it’s a stupid fucking idea.
Louis acts like a retard, digs the kid up, buries him again, and Gage comes back to life ready to fuck shit up. And good God, does he ever. The first thing zombie baby does is steal a scalpel from Louis’s medical bag, heads over to Jud’s, and hides under the bed until Jud walks over. The crazy baby slices into Jud’s Achilles tendon like it’s tender mutton and waits for him to fall. Then he jumps on top of Jud, slices his mouth Joker-style, and while he is splayed out on the floor he eats his fucking throat. Literally. He gobbles that shit up like Kirstie Allie hovers down frozen Jenny Craig entrees.
Zombie Gage goes after mommy next, carving her up with the scalpel. Then, because she wasn’t already dead enough, he hangs her from the fucking ceiling. Now Louis is like, “Shit, I should probably do something about this killer baby on the loose,” so he catches the little fucker and sticks him in the neck with a syringe full of something that will re-kill him. The kid dies (again) and there are all these super sad flashbacks of when he was living and, you know, not eating people’s faces off. Because Louis is all about solving problems and definitely not making them worse, he grabs his wife’s sliced up carcass, throws her over his shoulder, and sets fire to Jud’s house, where all this shit went down.
And what does this queef cake do next? Takes her to the fucking Indian burial ground to bury her so she’ll come back to life...because this time it would yield different, less disastrous results. This guy has obviously lost his shit, and when she walks back into the house newly revived, they just start making out. She’s missing an eye and there’s puss and blood oozing down her face and into his mouth while they kiss, but no big d. They’re in love, right?
That was probably his line of thinking right up until she grabs a butcher knife off the table and guts him like a fish.
The movie ends with pretty much everyone dead, leaving a behind a whole mess o’ carnage which never should have been witnessed by the seven year old version of me to begin with. Fuck my parents for letting me watch this. Thanks to those assholes, I make really bad Kirstie Alley fat jokes, think way too often about the various ways a cat could kill me, and for years was terrified to cross the street for fear of getting hit by a truck.
Goddamn Stephen King.