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I think most people will agree that adolescence pretty much sucks, regardless of the decade. That’s the overall thesis that shows like Freaks and Geeks, Daria and My So-Called Life operate on, and it’s probably true. But once you’ve escaped the tortures of the public school system yourself, you start to wax nostalgic on all those awesome adventures you could never get away with as an adult. Imagine reliving them in 90s TV land, where the misfit is king and the jokes are way funnier. You could join in on the escapades, while getting a good laugh at the overbearing drama that only sixteen-year olds can cultivate. I’m not talking about an entire high-school do-over. This would be straight up stepping through your TV Pleasantville style, only you’re in charge of the remote and Don Knotts isn’t around to fuck things up. That way, when the Oberstian angst gets to be too much for you to handle, you can just change the channel and zap yourself into a zombie movie.
First order of business would be, of course, to raid Rayann Graff’s closet. If you’re going to do the 90s right you’ve got to look the part, and Rayann has enough flannel and slipdresses in her collection to outfit Veruca Salt’s entire Midwest tour. You could maybe stop by Ricky’s to borrow some eyeliner, but don’t even think about going near those overalls. He might be gay enough to pull them off, but you don’t want to start your tour of 90s high schools by getting beat up every five minutes. While you’re at it, invest in some combat books a la Daria Morgandorfer, or head over to Freaks and Geeks land to steal Lindsey’s army jacket. Once you’re flannelled to the nines, it’s time to buy fake ID off Jordan Catalano and hit a rave. You can get drunk in the parking lot, trade shoes with Angela and Rayann, and get driven home by the police before you even get near a pair of glowsticks. By the time you get to school the next morning, it won’t even matter that you didn’t get in. All the kids at school heard about how you got thrown in the back of a cop car, and you now sound like a badass.
Eventually, you’re going to tire of taking Rayann to get her stomach pumped, which marks the perfect time to chill out over at the Morgandorfers. Daria may be wanting for rebellious antics and PSA plotlines, but what she lacks in bravado is made up for in her biting wit and cynicism. Hang out, eat pizza, watch Sick Sad World marathons, and make fun of pretty much everyone you come into contact with. What better way is there to bookend a weekend of getting kicked out of Let’s Bolt with Rayann and Ricky and egging your neighbors out the window of Daniel Desario’s car than spending a quiet evening with the misery chick herself? You’ll have plenty of opportunities to spike Quinn’s conditioner with super glue when things get tedious, and might even be able to convince Daria to take a day trip to Highland High to hang out with Beavis and Butthead for a while until you couldn’t take the dick jokes any more.
Since you’re playing the high school burnout, actually attending classes is pretty much optional. In all likelihood you’re spending most of your time smoking under the bleachers, pretending you’re way into Zepplin. But, since you’re there and all, you might as well follow Daria to history and see if you can catch Mr. DeMartino burst a blood vessel, or go fuck with Mr. Rosso in the McKinley High guidance counselor’s office. Maybe Mr. Racine is still subbing at Liberty, inspiring high school kids not to take any bureaucratic crap by sitting on the floor and mismatching your socks. You and Angela can write crappy poems together and get worked up over the struggle for creative freedom, before the great reveal that even inspiring substitutes run out on child support payments. The bastards.
The only real issue with this foray into 90s TV teen drama is the question of who you’re fucking. You would think, with all the hot jailbait running around the high schools, you’d have your pick of the litter; but you have to remember, you’re dealing with the under-18 circuit, where interpersonal relationships, especially of a romantic nature, are needlessly complicated and wrought with emotional turmoil. Trent is obvious first choice– he’s pretty attractive as far as cartoon characters go, and everything that comes out of his mouth is hilarious. He’s also old enough to go to bars, and you’re automatically on the list for every Mystic Spiral gig. On the downside, he’s broke and lives at his parents’ house, plus Daria would probably never speak to you again, and considering it’s a miracle that you got on speaking terms with her in the first place, a roll in the hay with Trent isn’t really worth fucking that up. Daniel Desario is off limits for similar reasons, for although he’d be totally down, Kim Kelly would put you in the hospital for it. And okay, Jordan Catalano is hot and all, but dude can’t even read. Your best bet is going with Ken from Freaks and Geeks. No one will be pissed that you stole their man and there’s a slim to none chance he’s going to go all nuts and serenade you to some Styx song while you’re forced to replenish the dry ice in the smoke machine. If you’re more into the girls, I recommend Lindsey (as long as your comfortable getting into fisticuffs with Nick Andopolis). Angela Chase is just going to whine about where your relationship is going, Daria’ll get all weirded out and stop calling, Jane Lane talks like a chain-smoking soccer mom from Iowa, and you know that guy Tino probably gave Rayann a wicked case of herpes. Lindsey’s still got some goody two shoes left in her, but she’s pretty much down for anything. Plus she can help you on your math homework. Win/win situation.
90s teen world is the perfect environment to live out your 20s. Just access that part of you that’s socially awkward and incapable of dressing yourself properly, and you’re a shoe-in for a spot in those elusive cliques of outsider weir
dos. You’ll have so many terrible band practices to attend, so many algebra tests to steal; just spending a day making Brian Krakow uncomfortable would be amazing. Imagine getting placebo drunk at Lindsey’s non-alcoholic kegger before hitting up the high school dance that Jane Lane decorated in tribute to the untimely death of Jackson Pollock, where you can intercept Sam Weir before he fucks up his slow dance with Cindy Sanders. You couldn’t plan a better Saturday night.
You people living in reality are nuts. I’d give up my entire adulthood for one day hanging out in Angela Chase’s bedroom, dancing all crazy to that Violent Femme’s song. Really, what’s more fun than middle-class white kids getting in trouble? Grab your Doc Martens and hop in Kim Kelly’s Gremlin. It’s time to cause some mayhem.