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Most girls suck. As shitty of a realization as that is, it’s also totally true. I wish I could buy into the whole bonds of womanhood bullshit, but it’s kind of hard when 98% of the chicks I meet make me want to chop my tits off and dip my vagina into a deep fryer as a desperate attempt to disassociate myself from being female. Ah, but that other 2% of girls, the really fucking cool diamond in the ruff chicks, they hold a special place in my heart that is designated solely for girl crushes.
For me, the girl crush has three basic requirements, the first being that you can’t actually know her. She can be a friend of a friend, or you can have met her like, once when you were wasted and she seemed way cool. But she has to be only an acquaintance because fuck, if you get to know her, you’ll inevitably discover her flaws and start noticing all the annoying shit she does, which means you won’t be able idolize her into the perfect friend anymore. And where’s the fun in that? You have to be careful when meeting girls at a party though, because they can turn out to only be pseudo girl crushes. If you’re anything like me, alcohol equals happy juice and it tends to make me forget about my standards just a wee bit. If you’re not careful, you might end up making a normal friend, and that’s just lame and boring.
Case in point, I got introduced to this girl at a party one time and immediately felt the giddy rush of initial crush-hood. She had these adorable dimples and was dancing her juicy booty off to one of my favorite Deerhoof songs. It was girl crush at first sight. I ended up talking to her for a while and found out she’s in one of my classes, which I hadn’t noticed before. At that point I was like, “Oh, it’s so down, we’re totally going to hang out sometime.” So the next time we were in class, I said hey from across the room (didn’t want to seem too eager) and sort of stuck around afterwards to talk to her. Holy fuck, was that ever a mistake. Now that I was talking to her sober, she was super annoying and kept saying the word “legit” way too much. Then she started talking about student council, which she’s really into for some dumbass reason. It was a total deal breaker. Lesson learned: Don’t drink and girl crush.
The second requirement for a legit girl crush is that she has to be out of your league. The ideal girl has to be perceived as having a one up on you in pretty much all aspects of life. If a chick seems like she is way fucking cooler than me and would never be my friend in a billion years, she’s the one I go all gay for. It’s a classic case of wanting it more because you think you can’t have it. It usually helps if she’s older than you. Even if it’s only by like a year, older chicks are always tighter. Your typical girl crush material is like a fine wine and has had more time to perfect her awesomeness. That’s just common sense.
I got hit with a double-dose of out of my league girls not too long ago. I friend of mine has these two friends who are a few years older than me and are also identical twins, so not only are they ridiculously gorgeous, but there’s fucking two of them. I don’t divvy out girl crushes for looks alone, so I just assumed that because they were so outrageously pretty they’d be as dumb as a box of rocks. Wrong. Whenever I’ve hung out when they’ve been around and get a chance to talk to them, they prove to be two of the most articulate bitches I’ve ever met. And they’re both artsy as fuck, which pretty much makes for instant girl crush in my mind. They’re both retardedly out of my league, and I’m alright with it. The more I see them though, the harder it’s getting to hide my raging boner. There are so many ways to cover up my metaphorical woody for them.
The last requirement is the most important of them all and will solidify her ranking as girl crush status: She has to have that one quirky thing about her, something that’s totally unique to her. Shit, that’s the reason she catches your eye in the first place. It’s different for every girl. It could be a really awesome laugh she has, or that she totally made the rad dress she’s wearing, or a bitching half-sleeve tat that she drew the design of herself. What gets me every time though, is musical talent. Put a girl in front of me who can rock out on the bass guitar and I will girl crush all over her ass. There’s been way too many times when someone’s set up a backyard bonfire and a hippie chick with the decaled guitar shows up and plays acoustic covers of whatever the fuck you want to hear for so long, and all I ever want to do is bust a chill with her for all eternity.
The beautiful thing about girl crushes is that, if you do it right, they can seem like the most amazing person you’ve ever kind of met, forever. She can just be this tight, perfect girl to you all the time and you don’t have to go fucking that up with some stupid shit like actually getting to know her. Illusions are way tighter than reality. Let that shit stay golden, girls.