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Talking to girls is hard work. You know how it goes, it’s happened to all us dudes—you’re talking to a few girls, everyone’s laughing, and then all of a sudden all that’s left of them are a few lingering whiffs of perfume. You sit there wondering what happened, but wonder no more. They didn’t have to field an emergency call, and they aren’t stuck up. You just aren’t very good at talking to girls and you said something stupid. It’s okay. Don’t get defensive. Here, have a drink. Are we good? Okay, now that you’re over your anger, let’s talk. Look, we can’t all be Biggie Smalls and creep up from behind asking what girls’ interests are and who they be with and expect anything to come from that, but there are right and wrong ways to talk to girls. I should know. I’ve been doing it pretty successfully all my life. In fact, for a few years there I didn’t even have many dude friends. I just lived with and hung out with girls all the time. And while my few guy friends called me a homo back then, I got a whole hell of a lot more laid than any of them. Know why? Because I was comfortable talking to girls for extended periods without seeming like a total creep or a fucking pussy. That’s harder than you may think, and for some stupid reason I’m here to walk you through the ins and outs of it.
Nike knows what’s up. Get out of your own ass and throw yourself out there. Look, unless you’re in a famous band or are a male model, girls aren’t going to walk up to you. Since you’re just a normal dude, that means the first move (and pretty much all the others) are down to you. I know you’re nervous. We all are. But you walk up to girls and get the courage to do it afterwards. It’s like going to war. After high school, the only play the quiet game will bring you are psychos or girls who want someone they can jabber at endlessly. Trust me, those aren’t the girls for you. Throw yourself into the fire, and you’ll figure you’re way through it. The other night me and the fellas were slobbering over this girl with red high-heels, and one of my friends just said fuck it and walked up to her while I was peeing. He talked to her for seven minutes before she tossed him aside. Once released, I asked him what he said. “I don’t know,” he replied. “I just went up and introduced myself to her.” That’s the sort of bravery that you need. It’s for the best if you have a better idea of what you’re gonna say to her on the approach (more on that later), but you won’t ever hit a homerun if you never swing the bat.
Before going out, you need to down a few beers and chill the fuck out. Hang out with your friends first instead of meeting them at the spot. That way your tongue will already be moving a little and you won’t be so withdrawn. If you start the night alone, still drink the beers, but jam out to your favorite tunes while you’re getting ready and do a bunch of silly dances before you head out the door. You want to be in party mode long before you’re trying to chat up girls. If you know you’re going out tonight, do a bunch of awesome shit today. That way you’ll be so stoked on life that you’ll be Mr. Gregarious once the beer starts going around. It will also give you tons of rad shit to talk about should you find yourself in a prolonged conversation with one of the prettiest ladies of our fair city.
Retards like Mystery will advise you to manufacture an identity, but that’s fucking stupid because that isn’t who you are and there’s no way that you’ll be able to keep it up once the booze/drugs kick in. All I’m saying is that you need have down what you look like. Girls are down for all sorts of guys, so don’t be someone else. But you do have to be your best self. So if you’re still hungover from last night, own that and throw it out there. If you’re in cowboy boots and a pearl-snap shirt, maybe talking about tagging grocery stores isn’t your best first move. Now that I’ve said that, also know that changing up your game is sometimes the perfect play. For instance, if you’re wearing a cardigan sweater and rimmed glasses and spend the whole night talking about times you had to go to court, well, that’s pretty fucking good. That’s the sort of next level shit that can make a pretty woman your wife, but it also isn’t for amateurs. If you’re just starting out, stick to playing up whichever look you’ve got going at the moment.
You know what these guys do? They just walk up to every girl they see and spit game at them until they’re turned away. Um, don’t do that. It NEVER works. Choose who you go up to and wait it out for a bit. The hottest girl at the spot might be really stupid or a coke freak, so throw eyes her way every so often and see what she’s up to. If she’s still on your mind twenty minutes later after you’ve thought her through objectively, she’s probably the one for you tonight. Also, if you keep tossing glances her way, you may get lucky and she’ll give one back to you. If you lock eyes, shit’s on. Walk up IMMEDIATELY. Even if she doesn’t give you a single look, that doesn’t mean death. You just have to have a really good idea of what you’re gonna say to her once you start talking.
What are you really looking for? If you have a thing for Asians, don’t go out all willy-nilly towards the punky blue-haired girl. That’s not playing to your strengths or your desires, and so it’s an assured fail. Look, I’m not giving you advice on how to fuck every girl in the world, I’m telling you how to get yourself across really quickly to girls that you actually like. As soon as you know exactly what you want, you’re a lot closer to getting that. Close your eyes, take a breath, and visualize the girl you want to be with tonight. Got it? Okay, now don’t stray too far from that and you should do alright.
Notice how I didn’t say “lines”. You don’t want to drop lines on girls, because they get that all the time and they are basically shorthand for douchebag in their minds. Asking for a light is pretty legit, but it still leaves you in the lurch once your cigarette is lit. If anything hilarious has happened that night (drunk girl ate shit on the stairs, drunk dude yelled at his mom on the phone, the dog drank someone’s beer while they were peeing), ask them if they saw it. If they didn’t, relay the scene to them in all its glory. If they did, share a laugh. You need to make them laugh about a thousand times before they’re gonna even consider going home with you, so come out as strong as you can in the early going. However, what you don’t want to do is walk right up to them and start jabbering about something funny that happened to you a week ago. They don’t even fucking know you yet, and so they aren’t going to give a shit. Make friends with them first. If you’ve got nothing, tell them that the dog drank your beer. Just make sure there’s a dog at the party if you’re gonna head that route.
At all costs, you have to keep the conversation inclusive. No one can cock block you faster than her friends, so remember to impress them as well. And besides, maybe one of the friends is actually the girl that you should truly be after. It might seem like you’re neglecting your new crush, but she won’t mind. Well, she might, but jealousy is an emotion that girls are used to and it’s also one that can reveal to them how much they actually like you. Charm the friends and a clear contender will eventually make herself known.
Aww, shit. You’re talking to the hottest girl in the place and her boyfriend just showed up. Don’t sulk off. Talk to him just as enthusiastically. For all you know their relationship is falling apart and she’s trolling the waters to see what’s out there before she calls it quits. Or maybe the boyfriend has a sister who’s totally rad. Even if there isn’t a boyfriend, maybe it’s ladies night or she’s just gotten out of a bad breakup and isn’t ready to sleep with random dudes yet. Honestly, most of the girls that I’ve ended up having sex with I won on nights when I didn’t actually go home with them. If you can learn to be on your game all the time, you’ll set up all sorts of surprising plays for yourself down the road. That’s what you’re doing. You’re talking to girls, not trying to fuck nasty skanks. And hey, remember that scene in Fight Club where they yell at dudes on the porch for three days before they let them in the house? Girls are basically Project Mayhem. Shit, that’s more profound than I even realized. Keep that in mind forever.
Don’t get me wrong, weird is good. But know which weird works for you. Girls don’t want to hear about the time you ate a bunch of acid and you thought you were Jesus’ son. However, they will love to listen to you talk about how one time when you were tripping you became so convinced that your hand was a snake that you tried to shut it in a drawer but by doing so you ended up fucking up your wrist so bad that you’ll never be able to play fooseball again. The primary lesson here is to tell a story about yourself where you fail at something that’s intriguing to her. If you don’t have a stack of these yet, give up talking to random girls and start hitting on your best friend’s sister until you earn yourself the stripes to be chatting up strange women. Also, stay away from heavy shit. If you’re in a dark place, don’t bring it up to random girls. I know you think that they’ll find your sensitivity endearing, but it will only annoy them and bring them down. You have best friends that you can spill your sadness too. For all you know, this girl only gets to go out one night a week. She doesn’t need to get caught up in all your personal traumas. She’s more than likely trying to escape her own. Oh, and no matter what, don’t ever get pissy towards her. That’s a dark road that leads to nowhere. Get over yourself and pretend you’re Zack Morris. That dude got shot down hundreds of times and still kept his cool.
I’m not sure why this is, but if a girl likes you she’ll sorta dip her shoulder a bit to invite you in to stay longer. Easy, tiger. She’s not sold on you yet. All she’s saying is that she thinks you’re funny or smart or interesting or whatever. Keep your head on your shoulders and out of the sheets. Acknowledge this lean inside your head, but don’t change your demeanor at all. You might even want to take a break at this point to go fuck with one of your friends. If you do that, you have to bounce back really quickly to tell your new special lady friend all about the hilarious shit that you just did. A smart move is to work out some sort of signal with your friends where if you’re doing well you can steal five of their cigarettes or a bit of weed if you know for sure that she smokes. That way, you come back with presents. Play it breezy and don’t make a big deal of it. Passing off presents is what you do on the reg. “I’m sorry,” you remark as you light her stolen smoke. “What were you saying before about how you think Sidebar is overrated?”
If you want to successfully talk to girls, you can’t have getting laid as the only thing on your mind. If you do, all you’ll talk about is sex. Fuck that. Keep the conversation moving. Start with a general topic (such as other parties where dudes made complete asses of themselves), tell a story, and ask if they’ve ever seen anything like that before. Pretty soon, you’re in deep about some show she was at, which, wouldn’t you know, you were at that same show, and wasn’t it weird how the band played nothing off their first album because…If you can get this kind of convo going, at the very least you’ll have a new gal pal who can introduce you to all of her hot friends next week. Are you starting to see how this works?
Most any dude can steal a lady’s ear for a minute or two, but it’s once it’s deep into it that the game gets rough. Don’t stress out. You’re doing well. If she didn’t want you around she would have kicked your ass to the curb a while ago. So what now? I can’t give you any never-fails because there aren’t any, but by now you should have a good idea of what she’s interested in, so work in solid circles around that. The worst thing you can do (even worse than being weird) is to get boring, so mix it up a little. If you can suck her into a squabble about something she isn’t personally invested in, you’re doing fantastic. To be succinct: a debate about why flip flops are a stupid choice of footwear is a total go; an argument about how her job represents everything that is wrong with humanity will make you look like a total retard, even if you’re right. Notice those italics and act accordingly.
You don’t have to be good at it, you just have to do it. Really, it’s a lot like the having to talk rule except that you’re allowed to be terrible at this. A guy who doesn’t dance is like a horse without hair—it’s of no interest to a girl. Dancing also gives you a few minutes to think up more clever shit to say, which is a break that you need if you’ve spent this long talking to her. It’s also better if you sweat a lot. Regardless of what girls tell you, they are always attracted to a bit of man stink.
You can’t do it directly, but you can trick her into talking about it. For instance, one time I was telling this girl about how I thought my friends were stupid because they didn’t like eating pussy, and ten minutes later I found myself demonstrating for her (in a crowded bar, might I add) exactly how I hold a girl’s legs back to give her the most pleasure. Guess what I was doing an hour later? Guess what I was doing seven minutes after that?
Okay, either last call has ended or the host of the party is kicking everyone out. You still can’t ask her to go home with you. The rule for booty calls is that you’ve had to have made out with her three distinct times before you can even mention banging. Since you haven’t achieved that yet, how do you keep the night going? Well, you need to know about some afterhours shit. While you were talking to her, you should have been texting to see what was still going to be a thing in the early hours. If you have a bartender friend who owes you a favor, head there. Keep a few bottles at your house if you don’t. If you’re asking her to make a house call, invite all of her friends along too. On the drive home, call everybody in your phonebook to come over so that you just seem like that dude who likes to keep the party going and knows everyone. Again, even once she’s at the afterparty, don’t push too hard for sex. By now she knows what you’re after, and she’s already made her decision on if she’s gonna allow you inside her or not. Since that’s the case, keep the conversation light. You’ll know if she’s into you or if she just isn’t ready to go home yet if you keep yourself collected. Besides, that sort of shit doesn’t bog you down. Remember, you aren’t only about the pussy. You just like to keep the good times rolling. If you get the sense that she’s trying to shake her friends, start talking about something that you have in your bedroom that you know she’s down with (a movie, a vinyl copy of a band she likes, your collection of Garbage Pail Kids, etc) and subtly convince her to tell her friends that she wants to see that instead of going home. If you’ve done a good job of chatting up those friends, they’ll probably want you to fuck her too.
So she slept over or you wake up at her place. Let’s say, just for fun, that you aren’t keen on ever seeing her again. Don’t let her know that, but you also don’t have to be a dick about it. Make fun of yourself in the morning. A good one is to put on her panties and start pulling up your pants before you say, “Wait, this isn’t right. I’m sorry, I thought I was at my boyfriend’s for a second. Gawd, he’s never gonna forgive me for this.” Then fall back onto the bed while you pretend to be freaked out. If you do something like that, she’ll understand that you live for going around the block and that you’re also cool about it and aren’t a mistake that she’ll always regret. Being on your game in the morning is nearly as important as your first words, because remember, everything you say to her is going straight into her best friends’ ears. Excuses are for wusses, so just shrug off last night with your fantastic sense of humor. You know, even if you want this random girl to be your new girlfriend, I’d give you the same advice. A charming man in the morning is all that any girl ever truly desires.
